Clearing Conflict - A Four Stage Model

Step One: OBSERVATION

Begin by letting the other person know exactly what your concern is by stating the facts as you understand them — and only the facts. This prevents talking at cross-purposes, and confirms that you are both working from the same data and looking at the same picture. Beginning your statement with the words, "I've noticed..." can help remind you to stick with objective data.

Step Two: INTERPRETATION

We all make assumptions about what other people are feeling and why they are doing what they are doing — especially when in conflict. If you are willing to confide your interpretation of events, while acknowledging that they are assumptions, it can build trust and invite the other person to be more candid with you. Failure to acknowledge these assumptions may cause you to slip them into your communication as quasi-facts, or accusations. Presenting assumptions as if they are facts always makes matters worse.

StepThree: FEELINGS

Feelings are what many people find most scary about conflict. When strong feelings are present, denying them only makes things worse. The best way to deal with the feelings in a conflict is to acknowledge them directly. Like our sense of taste, all feelings tend to be a blend, or a variation, on four basic states: mad, sad, scared and glad. Glad is rarely the feeling most of us have difficulty with, so try one of the other three on for size.

Step Four: NEEDS

This is the whole purpose of the confrontation, but it can easily get lost in the heat of the moment. Make sure you know your bottom line, can state it clearly, and can gain agreement with the other person as to how you will measure success.